Andy's Story

It was just months before his 15th birthday. His brother woke him up, after discovering what would forever change their lives. Their parents lay dead, a murder-suicide. There were five children in the house, aged 4-15. Andy called the police, but they thought some kids were playing a joke. It was the middle of the night.

He called again, and this time help came. Relatives came, and everyone was in shock. How does a family and a community cope with this kind of tragedy? The house was emptied, and the kids were sent to opposite sides of the country to live with relatives; the three older boys to the east, the two little girls to the west.

It was a year before they saw each other again, and that was brief. From what Andy remembered and told me, he was unable to talk of his parents or what had happened. No one wanted to talk about it. In fact the subject brought with it embarrassment and shame.

Andy learned to bury his feelings. It was survival. He found solace in work. He eventually married, and had three children of his own. He stayed in touch with his brothers, but for many years was not able to see his sisters, who had eventually been placed in a foster home. It was seventeen years after the tragedy that all the siblings were able to get together, all at the same time. That was quite the reunion.

On the outside, Andy was successful, and enjoyed his career and family. He was a paramedic and loved helping others. But there were walls he had built around his feelings, and he found it hard to communicate what he really felt. You see, I know.... I was married to him. I often thought that he should talk more about what had happened to him, but he always said, "I've dealt with it, I'm OK".

But he wasn't OK...and the pain deep within would surface occasionally in ways that were hard for him, and for his family. Then, at age 41, Andy got cancer. As he faced his own death, we began to talk. And we also prayed. A lot. And he began to realize that he had never properly grieved his own losses, and wondered if that was a contributing factor to his illness.

I guess we'll never know for sure, but I do know Andy died with a lot more peace than he had experienced in life. His relationship with God comforted him and he reached out to his family in ways he had never been able to before. His big message to us was "Don't be afraid to grieve". He knew then how important that was.

Andy's message would be, don't be afraid to grieve. Don't be afraid to talk about what happened. We can bury our feelings or dull the pain with drugs and alcohol, or any other things we might do to ignore what we feel. But when we internalize our pain, we don't heal. And that can affect us for years to come.

Copyright © by Grace Lacoursiere-Wulff 1999

Please do not reprint without permission.